5/21/01 to 10/16/01

"it's such a secret place, the land of tears" [the little prince - ch7, last line]

5/21/01 (still)

"we are all stardust"...(sophie's world). and we are filled w/ ideas. it's such a complex theory to put in words. it requires some imagination. ideas are the fragments that form (compose) our soul. stardust are the fragments so called atoms. sometimes we can see it or touch it. sometimes we cannot. and were these fragments created from nothing? nops... the ideas had to be there to make it happen. and where do the ideas come from? ideas of ideas? they come from a will of existance. some things are just too big. nothing is absolute. not even the "nothing". it's simply the "everything" somehow converted in an imperceptible "thing". it doesn't have to be an absolute 'idea', the one of a "coming-from-nowhere-will-of-existance"... it's a continuity; for the beginning, if it exists, could not be found yet. everything changes all the time - considering time an abstract measure of constant transformation. ppl have different perceptions of time. on my watch it is now 11:46:25pm. on somebody else's watch the 'time' may be totally different, even if this person is sleeping in the next bedroom and i can hear her snoring... time is a perception. most of the 'time' we need this perception to make us function. now my biological clock says i'm tired. therefore, good night. good morning. good afternoon. ok! bye now.


a typical example of an idea is beauty. as -someone- put it, "beauty depends on the eyes of whomever is looking". each person has an idea of it. smooth forms, captive eyes, lovely smile... a drawing hanging on the wall. beautiful things to some are not so beautiful to others. beautiful things don't fit everyone the same way. anyway... this is going nowhere. s/times i just want to write and write, so others won't see me and i won't see 'em.


it's time. i gtg. have been going around and around 4 too long tonite. gotta dream some awfully good dream... gotta have some fantastic hallucination. let it flow... let the moon grow. let the moonlight be bright. even behind the clouds. my doubts have to be cleared. there's nothing to be feared. good nite! :)


from that moment, i had so many thoughts. i didn't even want to count, i thought it would be too much to keep track of. and doing so would add one more thought.
looking out the window things seemed unreal. the floating clouds, i could almost touch them; had i sticked my hand out the window, i'd certainly be able to do so.
seeing everything so small, it looked so organized and perfect...
i thought life was stupidly funny and simple. i could use any language, and anyone would understand me, completely. there were no divisions, of any kind. everything was at reach.
the lake water seemed so green i'd have jumped off the plane to go swimming if i could.
i thought of being a cloud, or the big old sky. but for a while, the blurred coulds didn't look so happy, and the sky... how would it be to be always blue, deep inside and still be so graceful and bring so much pleasure to most of the living things..? - i wondered.

29/august/01 - 4:32 [nice timming!]

hey! alright, i'll write... just a lil bit. geez i'm mad at...
i HATE movie names' translations from eng. to port.! it's so not fair! i just saw 'if these walls could talk 2' and the translation seems to be talking about a pr0n movie! it's a movie about respect and love and life... just like the translation for 'fucking ml' or 'show me love'... which makes the movie look stupid and unimportant.

28/09/01 - 5:20am - i believe it's friday.

x:wp 'the way'. where's my way going to bring me? i have both of them in me - xena and gabrielle - i'm a warrior and a bard. i want to fight but also to talk. i want peace and love but also justice and danger. i believe in harmony, in the need of 'the otherside'. in variety. variables. in love and respect and friendship and dreams... in battles. in the dark, in the light. pain and delight. in the story of the separated souls. in learning and teaching. sharing. what is my destiny? who's gonna be w/ me? i'd like my voice to be heard. my word to be read. i fear but courage is in me. that's the way they should have been. i may think of 'if' questions... but the truth is: 'if' will always and never be! peace and love. 5:49am p.m.z.

29/09/01 - 11:39pm - saturday

hm. kinda down. wish gab would call me to participate in a play... so i could meet another 'thespian'. :P i could be s/o from a village, who would come to get x's help. would like to have s/o to be part of me just like g and x r a part of each other. / a q. - what's the difference btween 'each other' and 'one another'? / do ghosts exist? :) heh. of course they do! along w/ witches and dwarfs and elfs (elves?)... gnomes too. and unicorns. centaurs. and gods (the greek ones)... 'cause they're all ideas of ideas. there's ares 'cause there's evil. there's afrodite 'cause there's love. poseidon 'cause the seas need a soul. hades for the path btween lives. and so on.
--- if they're everywhere y is it so hard to find 'em?! and for 'em to find me? gotta have a sign on my back and a tatto on my forehead. heh. i don't care about diverse types of behavior... i'm who i am and i don't wanna be someone else. -'it doesn't matter the path you take, as long as you take your own path, not someone else's'-. i don't know my path yet, i mean, dunno my future and the whole crap (along w/ the parties - or vice-versa). but i'm on my way... gasoline's not needed. only 'dream on' to carry on.

03/10/01 - 2:44am - wed.

i just got an axe w/ my former heartshaped lollypop. :)
on one side it is mostly white w/ yellow details on the top and mid-back. blue detail on the middle and a pink edge. on the other side it is white, yellow, blue and green... then white again. then pink and finally the edge looks green. kewl! =)

6/10/01 - 3:55am

what's the fucking dej v anyway?! it's scary and fascinating... a wild happening. sensation of incapacity. unfightable destiny. it makes you wish you were a relative of one of the fates. or friends w/ hades. or that zeus owed you one.

7/10/01 - 9:06pm

heya! i mean... heya! well... you got it. i'm trying but it doesn't come out right. damn, i'm afraid the ink will end soon. the pen will 'decide to quit' and i'll be alone... "all by myself... don't wanna be... all by myself... yeah-ah..." :^/ oh if i only knew short writing... maybe it would help me. or maybe if i didn't think much...

12/10/01 - 2:21am

gimme time. gimme freedom. gimme rhyme. gimme rythm. i want blank, loneliness. sweetness of owning alone some fresh air. noisy silence, all the passion of heart beats. quits the scene, the obscese thoughts... obscene? forget this perception! act to cause reaction. be! believe in unbeliavable truths and deny, just as long as it's still interesting. do! do good and do bad. keep harmony, get mad. crazily happy, helplessly sad. speak out - loud! scream! bright beam of light on black, pure obscure darkness. what you see? light on dark, dark on light. what's within? which's the landscape and which's the escape? it doesn't matter... live, a chessboard, make all the moves you wish; all the spaces can be filled, pick you weapon; all swords, chackrams, staffs, double sai... all the love and mirrors all around. all pieces, all the one. don't get ready, be ready. battle on! 2:44am - some lonely words, a united group - a start.

16/10/01 - 7:37pm

what's the use of crying? it doesn't go anywhere. still, i feel like it. it's heavy and salty and dehydrates me. i'm getting smaller and smaller... pale and dry. sweaty, sucked into myself. it's like being in flames... hot and weak. desintegrating... dying. a pressure inside my head. wanna bang it on the wall and break it open. cut my forehead w/ paper... 500 pages. it's all being done, in my mind. no more breathing 'cause oxygen feeds the fire. o, everything is still in place, including the unbearable pain. i wish it would rain, wash my burned face. ---
7:57pm - i'm a runaway. to her i'm dumb... to myself, i'm a martyr. i'm a fucking... fuck! - it rained. ---

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